the golden compass points to nowhere

[writing while the babyshambles promises that the world is our playground]

it was after watching the invasion that mikael and i decided to create a site solely devoted to film reviews. but while we're still tossing the ball on who will write the maiden article, then this one will stay here for now.

the golden compass stars daniel craig, the dreamer(s) eva green and birthday girl nicole kidman. (simply stunning) and frankly, that's everything there is to it. there is no story, there is no suspense, there is no twist (really, nicole is the mom?!?!?! yawn.) the visual imagery, compared to its new line cinema predecessor, the lord of the rings: the return of the king is stale and the screenplay is a whirlwind of ideas. here is a kid who pries inside rooms (one, an opportune moment to save her uncle... no wait, it's her father! from being poisoned and two, in her host's bureau... no wait, it's her mother! to find letters indicating that she's a spy of the magesterium (don't even bother to understand what it is) and then finds herself building an army and embarking on a mission to save her friend, guided by her golden cheat compass. children, are you thrilled??

this movie's fatal error is that it describes a new world with a new concept that it overwhelms our mind with too many new words and introduces too many new characters way too fast that it becomes impossible to find anything evil or engaging or embraceable about them. it rushes us, for instance, into understanding that witches in this world fly, although i honestly don't know how they even enter into the picture, or how they impact this world, except so mikael could lust over eva green. it sacrifices story over spectacle, and sadly, it failed miserably on both.

the movie says the kid's journey is a test of courage, i say this movie is a test of temper. seriously, where is the challenge in being a savior when you have a gadget that tells you everything? you know where your enemies are, you know how to solicit help from bears by toying with their emotions and you know the rescue center for the lost-and-found boys. and i am blown away by how fast this girl learns how to use the golden compass! it was apparently faster than daniel craig's total screen time, which is probably at 20 seconds.

and if that's not enough to classify this movie as "an unforgivable creation" the golden compass wins the blunder of the year in its atheism controversy, all because nicole kidman commands lyra (lyra, by the way, is the protagonist) to put her bag away (supposedly to signify blind obedience) and eva green mentions something about free will. oh please.... i'll take you to mikael and you will want to burn him in the stake for his blasphemy. this is the atheist in the flesh and to the core. (doesn't mean i'm proud of you, mikael, but i need to illustrate a point)

the only good part: the unlimited soda and popcorn. god bless the lazy boy seats.

to conclude, the golden compass is a messy tale that insults even the average intelligence. "this compass tells you what others try to hide, it tells you the truth," we were told, but it didn't reveal that it is going to be dragging and boring, and fuck it, with rats.